Hard To Believe . . .

9.3.08

It is September and I’m having trouble grasping the fact that summer months are over and autumn is around the corner.  When I went to bed last night my room was cold and my blankets were not quite sufficient to keep me warm.  Falling asleep posed no problem but I awoke several times in the morning shivering and yet too tired to do anything about it.  When I finally rolled out of bed the house was quiet and empty – Katie was still in her room – and the day was gray, wet and cold.  

This week is the week that schools are starting up again and part of me is jealous and sad to know that so many people are there and I am not.  The other part of me just cannot believe it; it still feels like summer and every day is the weekend.  I am sure there are many people out there who would gladly trade lives with me.  Day after day of little to no responsibility and enough money saved up in the bank that I only get stressed out about my money situation every so often, it looks really good on paper.  But I am my mother’s daughter and I find the emptiness and the lack of things to do frustrating and saddening.  I reference my mom because she’s big on accomplishing things and getting things done.  And my mom is really good at finding ways to occupy herself and I’m trying hard to do the same.  I wash dishes very often and straighten up the house.  Cookie baking continues to be a regular event in these parts and I’ve been pretty good at daily walks to get me out of the house.  By evening time I can usually find people to hang out with (mostly Katie and Adi).  Yesterday I did laundry, today I did some work in my room, but it’s just not the same as having structure, responsibility, expectations, goals, etc.  

Adi told me to use this time to work on my hobbies.  My immediate internal reaction was, “Um, I’m really boring and don’t have any, so free time scares me.”  Part of my external reaction was, “a lot of hobbies cost money and while I’m not on the verge of going broke, I do need to be somewhat conscious of the fact that my savings are not endless.”  Perhaps that’s a bad excuse for me not being able to motivate myself more.  I mean, I go up and down, back and forth and sometimes I think that having a job will suck because then I won’t have so much free time.  The grass is always greener, I suppose.  The landscape here is mostly dirt and there are endless variations of browns, tans and reds.  I guess I just need to look at the dirt below my feet and focus on how beautiful it is to be standing where I am.  

Of course me being me, my brain is getting clogged with memories of last September.  Ramadan, getting to know Guy and Ikram, throwing myself back into the French language and starting to walk through my new neighborhood, becoming so comfortable at Guy and Ikram’s that I did not want to leave, the Rugby world cup, Ikram’s birthday, etc.  If I could live last year over again, I would do it in a heartbeat.  It makes me happy to feel so nostalgic about it and the fact that I already have friends and feel comfortable in my home here bodes well for how I will remember this September.  

I think I had more to say and it is escaping me now.  I’m happy autumn is arriving.  I love chilly air, scarves, cold mornings with hot coffee and such.  Oh, I know, I was also going to say how my jealously is coupled with happiness for others who are starting out on new academic/school-related journeys right now, even if I am not.  I heard from one of my South High students a few weeks ago.  She has graduated from high school and is starting college.  I am excited to get an e-mail from her telling me how she is doing.  I have also been in touch with the guy who is taking over my job in Versailles and while I wish I were there instead of him, I’m wishing him and my former students there well.  I am very curious to hear about how that goes.  Adi is starting a job as a teaching assistant in a pre-school.  Her four-year-olds had their first day yesterday.  Margo, who I have known since she was ten months old, began high school yesterday and Jayne just skipped third grade to begin fourth.  There is so much potential and possibility right in front of all of them.  I know that there is potential and possibility for me too, but for them it is much more tangible and real and I am trying to reconcile my jealously and excitement for them.

Anyway, I put some posters up in my room and now the sun is out so I should go for a walk while it is safe to do so.