Losing Track . . . Losing Track . . .
9.24.08
I am usually very meticulous about time. I keep track of it and guard it closely. Dates generally stick in my mind easily, and in my mind where I am is directly related to where I have been, where I am going and how long to and from each of those. I keep track of time in the large sense of months and years and I keep track of specific dates, hours, weeks and days. Time is even and regular, yet at times it feels as though two identical units can have entirely different durations. I guess I like having my life made up of units, despite how unequal they may be at times. I like structure and being able to visualize.
Santa Fe has done some strange things to me. I have lost track of time and my life seems to be very fluid, morphing days into nights and weeks and months and I don’t even remember when I got here. I honestly could not remember if I arrived in July or August. Normally I would have not just the month, but the specific date fixed in my brain as an anchor for this new life I’ve begun. My horoscope for the week from Free Will Astrology begins with: “Against all odds, you are finally finding a way to quit that nagging "addiction." You're shedding a dependency that isn't worthy of you.” I have to wonder if the addiction was my fixation on time and mapping time. I kind of hope not because despite the fact that my life has become so amorphous, I still like and find comfort in the idea of being able to break it down into what seems quantifiable. But maybe it’s not specifically about how I visualize time. Perhaps it has more to do with the fact that since arriving here I have just let go in general. The situation in which I currently find myself (not fully employed, not in school, not scheduled, not structured, not stressed, not required, not restricted) is one that I would expect to find uncomfortable and hard to deal with. However, for some reason I’ve just slipped right into it without anywhere near the discomfort that my logical mind tells me my emotional self should be feeling.
I don’t entirely credit Santa Fe with this, however. I think that Santa Fe is where I happened to have landed after years of slowly letting go of neurosis and the slightly uptight pieces of myself. I feel at peace and at ease with myself. I am happy with where I have been over the past several years and not even thinking about where I am headed. I am just here and focusing on how I can enjoy that. Yes, of course the lack of a job is a stress and I do hope/need to get that taken care of soon. But I’m working on it and hopefully it’ll work out soon. Speaking of working out, it’s time to go buy a new bathing suit since my old one has gotten so worn and tired that I am surprised that it has not yet disintegrated off of my body. I have been wearing a bikini bottom under it for weeks in order to spare the pool crowd the sight of my bare butt. I also had Adi tie knots in the straps because my chest kept falling out of it every time I pushed off the wall to start a lap. Unfortunately, it’s gone far beyond what a bikini bottom and knots can save.
