My Life as a Calendar
12.9.08
I have an appointment to see an obgyn tomorrow morning. I am a little bit excited but also apprehensive. The excitement lies in the possibility of a new doctor being able to tell me something new, something concrete, something informative, something helpful . . . I mean, something really. Of course the apprehension is due to the fact that I am well aware that I might just hear the exact same thing that I have heard from other doctors – inconclusive sounding, tentative, unclear explanations and reasoning for why my periods are so irregular. Of course that response will likely come with the recommendation to either take progesterone, a hormone, once every three to four months for ten days in order to induce a period that would otherwise refuse to happen, or to go on birth control.
Neither solution has had much appeal for me and I’ve spent the past few years not feeling very concerned about the problem. I was reassured that my lab work was all normal and fine last time I went in to talk to someone and also about a month ago when I went in for an annual. However, I am starting to realize that this really isn’t normal and probably isn’t so OK. In preparation for my visit tomorrow I went through my calendar to make a list of when I have had my period and whether it was natural or induced hormonally. At first I started in 2006 and then ended up going back as far as 2005. I discovered that from January 2005 until right now (November 2008) I have had my period a grand total of seven times, four of which were hormonally induced. Were I regular, or mostly regular, I would have had it about 46 times during that span of time.
The point of this really wasn’t to get into my gynecological issues, but rather to allow myself a moment to think about what I really found tonight. The process of figuring all of that out included me looking through my calendar, which I have done a decent job at keeping up to date with the goings ons of my life, over the past four years. It took me from living in Dijon through my senior year of college and my Masters degree back to France and finally here to Santa Fe. I had to try hard not to read too much of what was written in the years in Dijon and Paris because the second I started to allow myself to do so, I was hit with a feeling of longing and sadness.
Even just letting my eyes scan over the days, weeks, months and years was neat though. Just to think about how many places I’ve been and how many people I’ve met. Today I got to thinking about skydiving and it took me a minute to register that I have actually jumped out of an airplane. It almost doesn’t seem like me who did it and though it wasn’t even a year ago, it feels distant. I don’t think I’ve ever missed a place the way I miss Paris.
Last night I stayed late at work to host a parent training on stress management. The training itself was not the most inspiring, but at the end of the handouts was a section on transitions. The very last page was a worksheet that simply asked that we think about transitions we have gone through, how we dealt with them and then transitions we are going through and how we can deal with them. I quickly started to list transitions I’m currently or have recently undergone and was surprised to find that the four bullets were quickly filled and I felt as though it might not have even been enough space. I chose to write down that I am living with my sister for the first time in seven years, I moved away from Paris, I’m in a relationship for the first time in a long time and I’m working a full time job. Then I tried to think about how I’m giving myself space to deal with it and I came up with . . . nothing. The key word on the worksheet I think was “space” and as I thought about it, I realized that I’ve been so busy that I don’t actually feel like I’ve had much space. Sure, I could say that I go to the gym, but with my time crunch even that has become stressful. I haven’t had time to write, and I seem to be so focused on getting through the things that I have to (or that I feel obligated) to do. I do have moments of clarity in which I can step outside of the hecticness and try to prioritize a bit, but I have a hard time with it. I also think I’ve been having a hard time allowing myself to feel and experience just how hard these transitions are.
Anyway, it was fun to look at a calendar overview of how I’ve spent the past four years of my life. All in all I have to say I’m rather pleased with how it looks. And after having thought a bit about transitions and some of the stress causers in my life right now, I’m feeling a bit of calm and peace, and optimism that I will be able to be more present, able to prioritize and happy in the moment when I get back from winter break.
