18 posts from 2005

(written late last night)

Well, i suppose that's about it. My suitcases are actually packed and weighing in right about where they should be. My carry on luggage is (mostly) organized and the bags of trash are sitting by my door waiting for me to take them down and out tomorrow. Every drawer here is empty, every wall here is empty, and my head feels kind of empty, but this is my last entry here and i feel as though it should be anything but. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism to keep me from completely breaking down. Even though finishing up with packing this evening wasn't exactly what i'd call a good time, it wasn't horrifically stressful and things have just been kind of calm.

The conference this weekend was good. For clarification purposes i am going to re-explain what this conference was. It was a small conference consisting of 9 scholars of chinese history, 6 of whom are on the editorial board of an academic journal called "Nan Nu: men, women, and gender in china." The conference had a two fold purpose i suppose: 1. it served as an opportunity for the editorial board to have an in person meeting for the first time since their first meeting in 1997 and 2. it was a conference at which each member presented a paper that the rest of the scholars then critiqued and discussed. The conference began friday with an editorial board meeting in the evening, at which their publisher was present, and ran until sunday evening at which time we had a fantastic banquet at a local (well, the only) chinese restaurant in town. Most people left the conference, which took place at a chateau turned hotel in Shengen Luxembourg, today (monday). The chateau was absolutely breathtaking in a perfectly picturesque village next to a river. The rooms were simple but very nice, there was coffee and tea constantly available and the food (all of which we ate there with the exception of the banquet) was delicious - fish, chicken, salad, fresh veggies and fruits, cheese, and always a bottle of wine from the local vineyards.

At first i was rather intimidated because it was very small and most of the participants already knew each other. My first impression of some of them was that they were rather intellectual snobs who needed to get down off of their high horses. Well, there was one in particular who seemed incredibly pretentious and i found myself fantasizing about telling her off just a little: "you're a scholar of IMPERIAL CHINESE HISTORY," i would remind her, "no one actually really CARES about what you do or who you are other than a whole bunch of overeducated, pompous pricks who are as irritating and self absorbed as yourself. We are currently in the year 2005 and the reason why your academic journal doesn't have more subscriptions is that, well, who cares?" But the truth of the matter is that it is rather interesting what these people do (to me at least) and they (for the most part) are not really pompous pricks, but in fact very intelligent, very well educated individuals who have done an enormous amount of research and work in this field and it is impressive. It's just a lot less impressive when accompanied by an attitude.

As i've explained, each participant of the conference had written a paper and was to present it to the others for a discussion and critique. My official duty was to take notes on this. I did my best to keep up, but it was very easy to get lost due to my lack of knowledge of many of the subject matters. However, i don't think that they really needed anyone taking notes anyway. The real intent in having me attend this conference, it seems to me, was to give me a better view at what scholarship is, at what scholars do, at the life of a professor outside of the classroom, and let me tell you, there's a lot that a university student doesn't know or consider. I probably learned the most this weekend outside of the paper sessions, while we sat around in the garden of the chateau sipping wine and chatting. I listened to conversations about research and papers, the difficulties of teaching while trying to really do the research that one wants to, one's life work. I heard talk of books and publishing and this journal. Names of various scholars working in this field and related ones were tossed around, as were complaints about the bureaucratic end of university life. Other complaints included the difficulty in teaching unmotivated students - students who come to class on the first day and raise their hand to ask "what do i have to do to get a C - in your class?" Comparisons were made between the university systems in various countries. There were all sorts of stories of travels all around the world, some travels for research purposes and others for personal. Sometimes it felt as though they were talking in foreign languages and i certainly did far more listening than talking.

Part of my quietness came from the fact that no one seemed to really understand where i fit in at first - myself included. As i already mentioned, out of the 9 scholars, 6 have been on the editorial board of this journal for the past 8 years and thus know each other very well. The others could at least talk shop. I, on the other hand, felt very much lacking in anything worthwhile or intelligent to say at first and so during the free time friday night i opted to watch t.v. in my room instead of to join the others for wine in the garden. However, sometime into saturday things started to warm up and the scholars were more sociable with me. By saturday night i was feeling more at ease and by the banquet sunday night i was having a grand old time.

The banquet was a really good time. Everyone at the conference spoke chinese, so they all talked with the hostess in chinese and it was fun to hear Professor Ropp speaking in chinese. The food was excellent - Professor Ropp had ordered one order of various dishes so we were able to eat various things including duck, frog, chicken, and shrimp. There was, of course, good wine to accompany the food and the conversation was also a nice accompaniment to the meal. When we were done in the restaurant we retired to the garden where we sat chatting until around 11pm or 11:30. This morning was breakfast and goodbyes. And now, after one of the worst train rides ever, i am back in Dijon.

Why was it a bad train ride? Well, the first leg from Luxembourg to Metz ville wasn't awful. Uwe, who just this year retired from being the director of Clark's study abroad office and who helped get me to France, gave me a ride to the train station and we had a really nice chat. I got out of his car feeling really good about the amount of support that i have from my professors and Clark in general. Anyway, that first train ride wasn't bad, but the second one which was 3 hours long was rather awful. For starters, i had the isle seat and it looked as though whoever had the window seat had not shown up as we pulled away. That's not bad. What was bad was when my seat partner showed up and turned out to be some teenage boy who wasn't french (i couldn't figure out what language he was speaking with his travel mates who, for some reason, weren't sitting anywhere near him). The non-frenchness wasn't the bad part. The bad part was that as i sat there with my headphones in listening to my music, i could hear HIS music because he had it turned up so loud. He also was chewing loudly and popping gum, tapping, jiggling his legs, changing c.d.'s every five seconds and basically being incredibly antsy and i just wanted to grab him and say "just calm down and BREATH." But we didn't speak the same language. I came very close to just reaching over and turning his music down. Did i? No. So what did i do? I gave him 50 centimes. Well, the food guy came around and this already totally strung out boy managed to order himself a coke, but didn't have enough money nor did he understand when the man told him that he was 50 centimes short. And so i dug around my bag and paid for him. Why? I'm not quite sure. I guess i just figured that even if he was annoying like no other, he still might have been thirsty.

His loud music continued, his travel companions kept coming over to talk to him and the women across the isle kept glaring in our direction. Finally i had to pee really badly, so i got up to go find a bathroom (taking my bag with me). On my way to find the bathrooms i discovered that there were about 20 free seats just on the other side of our car, so after peeing, i installed myself there and was able to get a little bit of sleep. However there was something wrong with our car because it was unbearably hot and everyone was absolutely melting. I don't know if those trains are supposed to be air conditioned or not, but i don't think that it was normal for it to have been as hot as it was. My head hurt, i was tired and the three hours seemed to last forever. But i did finally arrive in Dijon.

For our last dinner tonight, the Louvrier's took me out. It was a very sweet gesture and meant that we didn't have to deal with the dog, with granny, with a hot kitchen or anything. It was myself, Francois, Brigitte and Charles. We went to a cute restaurant a little ways out of Dijon and drove through some vineyards to get there. The food was nice and it was just so good to have this one last evening with them. Brigitte kept talking about when i come back to France and how when she's doing this or that she'll think of me. We took a different road home and we drove by this neat chateau on the way. The whole while it was just so typical, so normal, so the Louvrier's i suppose. On the way to the restaurant Charles asked me how you say "cave" in english and i told him that it's "wine cellar." He was a bit confused and thought that i had said "seller," which Francois took as a perfect opportunity to tease me about how french is better than english in claiming that such a mistake proves that english is too vague or something like that. I replied matter-of-factly that if i understood correctly two words that are pronounced the same way is called "homonymie" and does indeed exist in french as well. Brigitte said bravo and found an example or two and Francois laughed. Then Brigitte said that she'll miss having me around to help her defend herself against Francois. I suppose that the other noteworthy news from dinner is that Francois called me "Rebecca" or perhaps it was even "Becky."

I'm getting up at 8 tomorrow so that i will be sure to see Brigitte before i leave (or before she leaves for work). Then i'm meeting Hei Won and Tomoko at 9 for breakfast (though i'll have already eaten, i think we'll go for coffee). At 11 Charles is going to give me and my stuff (oh and do i have stuff) to the train station. Tomoko and Hei Won had been planning on helping me drag it all there, but the car will make life a whole lot easier and i'm sure that they can still come if they'd like to. Francois will be around all morning, so no worries about saying goodbye to him. I'm not sure about Edouard and Guillaume. My guess is that Guillaume will be around, but maybe not Edouard. I didn't get to take any pictures of them yet, which is kind of unacceptable. I should be able to at least get a picture or two with Brigitte, Charles, and Francois tomorrow. I still need to take some pictures along la rue de la liberte (which i'm planning on doing either right before i meet Tomoko and Hei Won or with them).

Now here's the thing. I still don't believe that i'm leaving. When Uwe said goodbye to me today, he told me to have courage and not let the US get me too depressed. I thought it was very sweet of him to say and everyone has been really sensitive and understanding about the fact that going home will be a culture shock or it will at least be an adjustment. And the thing is that i can't just up and come back to Dijon for a day or two if i start to miss it, it's far away.

Ug, i feel as though i should have some sort of really deep, retrospective, thoughtful things to say here, as of tomorrow i will no longer be "Michael en France." But there doesn't seem to be much to say and there certainly doesn't seem to be much original to say. This year has been a triumph and an accomplishment. It's been a huge challenge and it's been an eye opening experience. It's been frustrating and it's been rewarding. It's been a lot of time alone, a lot of time face to face with myself. Jess the Clark alum asked me last week if i feel different, changed. She said that after her first year in France she just felt like a whole new person. I'm not really sure what my answer to that is. Part of me wants to say that i am totally changed, part of me feels very much the same, part of me wants to say "well yes i've changed, but who's to say that it was any more or less than it would have been elsewhere" and part of me is thinking that i'm not yet in a position to see the changes that have taken place in me. And it's all perfectly valid in my opinion.

I've been listening a lot to Simon and Garfunkel recently and there is a particular song lyric that has really caught my attention and seems to feel very familiar and right on to me right now: "now the years are rolling by me, they are rocking evenly and i am older than i once was and younger than i'll be that's not unusual. No it isn't strange, after changes upon changes we are more or less the same, after changes we are more or less the same." I guess that's my answer. Ok, i know, i'm not some old woman and the years aren't exactly flying by me, but time just seems to be slipping through my fingers these days and i can't really hold on to anything. College is such a strange and kind of unnatural time i think. It's life in a series of months and often feels as though there is a real lack of continuity to it. Coming to France was definitely a disruption in that sense. A good disruption, but a disruption nonetheless. And now it's basically over. Ten months gone, each week checked off and accounted for. And in another ten weeks i will be back at Clark, then two semesters and i graduate and who knows where i'll end up after that. The years are rolling by, but perhaps they aren't actually rocking so evenly as much as they are sometimes bumping and bouncing, stalling and accelerating. In any case, however they are moving, they are moving and i am therefore inevitably older, though i suppose the aging process isn't merely a matter of tallied days and weeks and months and years. It's what fills those man made measurements of time that really makes for growth and age and i think that it's safe to say that my ten carefully measured french months have been full enough that i can say that i'm a little older than i once was, but certainly still much younger than i'll be.

So after changes upon changes . . . I've always had a fear of change. You're looking at a girl who spent all but the first few months of her life living in the very same room in the very same house on the very same street. A girl who went to kindergarten with one of her best friends from high school. Change was always a subtle thing in my life and as it started to get more and more in my face and i learned how to handle it more, one thing that always concerned me was the fear of losing myself in the process of changing. But i think that it's fairly just to say that after changes upon changes we are more or less the same. Or at least i'm finding that it's pretty accurate for myself because the changes that i can feel in myself at this point (in regards to this year) are the type of things that are resting on top of the older, mustier, more aged parts of myself. The reliable, comfortable, worn in things that i like about myself have certainly been shaken up a bit from time to time, challenged a bit perhaps. That's not such a bad thing and in the end they're still there whether or not i'm always aware of them. In fact, in some ways i think that this year has uncovered parts of myself that had long since been buried - little things like feeling passionate about nature, or excited about reading.

So i left France myself and i'm coming home myself. Now i can speak french at a decent level and have visited various countries that i had never seen in person before. I have learned out to pay rent and do grocery shopping. I've lived in a city and made good use of public transportation. My hair is longer than it's been in about seven years and i wear it up on a daily basis. But then i still need to call my mom to ask her things like "is it o.k. if i just throw all of my socks away? They are taking up so much space in my suitcase and i just can't handle it! I figure i can always by cheap ones when i get home." and i'm sure come this fall will still be calling my dad stressing out about my classes and schedule and major and life. I still stay up until hours later than i should and spend the day complaining about how my eyes twitch and wondering what on earth is wrong with me. I could go on listing things but i suppose that that last one about the staying up too late and twitchy eyes is probably trying to tell me something. Sure i can sleep on the plane tomorrow, but i have miles to go before i actually be on the plane and i should be fairly alert for that.

Um, so i guess this is it. Maybe next year when i start to read this journal over, i'll actually believe that i did all of this.

The closer i get to leaving the crazier i get. Totally normal, yes, i know and as much as i keep cursing these few days before my depart (for various reasons), i know that they are an important part of this whole thing. This whole week has been such a process.

I managed to stay in bed until 11am this morning. It was hot and i kept waking up, falling back asleep, waking up and thinking "oh god in one week i won't be in France! Oh GOD i have so much to do in order to not be in France in a week! Oh god just go back to sleep." And so until 11am i convinced myself to do so.

I did my so completely mechanical and unchanging morning breakfast routine (and mechanical and unchanging are not meant to be negative at all, in fact it's a very comforting routine), after which i took a shower and got to work. Got to work with what you ask? Ohhhh you know, EVERYTHING. Every single picture came down, every single knickknack was removed from it's home and wrapped yup. Every drawer that had remaining stuff in it (and there actually weren't many) was emptied. I pulled out my big suitcase and put it on the table. Then i started to pack it. Eventually it was rather full. In fact, it was so full that even expanded as much as possible it was quite difficult to close. And then getting it off the table onto the ground . . . well um, i kind of pushed and then there was a big thud. Then i wrestled with it until it was standing and thought to myself "Wow, that thing is absolutely huge . . . crap."

Then i think that i came down here to check email or just to get away from my room. Oh, let's keep in mind that it was well in the 90's today. Anyway, i got the vacuum and went back up, vacuumed, then sat down with the suitcase, unpacked it, repacked it taking some stuff out. Then i came down to get a scale, brought it back up, couldn't get it to work, gave up for the time being, came back down to go to the post office to ask about how on EARTH to fill out those stupid customs forms, talked with an incredibly sweet woman who was like "oh don't worry about it, just make a list of stuff you packed," then called mom and made her convince me to throw my schoolwork away, continued to chat with her about nothing which calmed me down because i was going slightly insane for fear of going overweight with my bags/not being able to deal with dragging my giant suitcase, small suitcase, backpack, and co. from here to the airport etc. Then i came back in, unpacked the box to throw away my school work, repacked the box adding a few books since there was more room without the school work, traded my copy of "the Da Vinci Code" for Charles' copy because his is smaller than mine, filled out the paperwork, went to the post office and got the box sent (the same nice lady took care of it for me), went for a walk to the park in the sweltering heat, sat on a bench and tried to not get killed by the bizarre game of catch that involved six guys randomly throwing a football and a frisbee as hard and violently and randomly as possible to one another, walked back to centre ville, tried on two bikini's that didn't fit but didn't cause my self esteem to plummet either, went back to my room, washed my face and put on a little makeup, went to the train station and took a picture of myself in the same photomat where i took a picture of myself about a week after getting here, came back here and wasted time on the computer for about 45 minutes before dinner.

Then it was dinner. Brigitte had her mom and Charles eat before us so that we could eat calmly and in peace. It was really nice. Apparently no one seems to be able to keep track of when i leave here - well no, actually Francois knew, but Brigitte somehow didn't realize that i leave so soon. We explained it to her and she was totally surprised and kind of sad i think. The dinner kind of continued in that vain. Well, perhaps not the surprised one, but the kind of sad. Except that it wasn't overtly sad and perhaps it was just me. Right, point being that it was one of those good dinners, full of conversation and laughter and Brigitte being in a good mood and not stressed out and i have two more meals with them and that's it. And it kept coming up too, now that everyone knows when i leave it was "but soon you'll be gone and we won't have time to . . . " or "we never got around to doing . . . " " oh we have to, but i guess it's to late . . ." I think that the name of the game was make me cry. It continued to be as sadly wonderful after we finished eating and Francois went to smoke his cigarette because Charles made, or uh attempted to make, blueberry muffins today (using my mom's recipe) and they came out . . . well, they aren't the blueberry muffins that mom makes. So Brigitte and i stayed in the kitchen and went through the recipe. At one point Charles came in and we figured out that the major problem was that he had used an electric mixer (and to be honest, i feel like it's more of a blender, meaning that he like chopped up the blueberries or something). Anyway, now he knows what to do next time. Then Brigitte and i went through the rest of the recipes that mom had sent me to make with them, or at least to give to them. It was all in english and so we went through them together so that i could explain things that were a little complicated. The chicken pot pie recipe was fun because it wasn't so much a recipe as it was mom explaining in an email how to make it. There were funny phrases like "so anyway, no matter what you end up with a pile of chicken chunks," and others like "ok, it's coming back to me now, i remember when i first started making this . . ." Brigitte found it really cute.

Then i don't even know, we continued to chat, she gave me some laundry that she had done for me back and commented on how she won't have any more girls things to wash now that i'm leaving. She also made a comment earlier about how it'll be boring around here without me. I told her that she can keep my laundry basket (one of the mesh foldable ones, she thought it was really great) because i can easily get one in the states and anything that i can leave or get rid of makes my life that much better. "It'll be for Edouard and i'll think of you every time he brings it over . . ." This is exactly what i wanted, to become a part of my host family and to really establish a relationship with them. What i really want is for Charles and Brigitte to come visit me in the states. I'd love for Francois to come too, but he can't really travel much these days. I don't even know, i'm just beyond my abilities to express or write or feel or whatever. I leave for Luxembourg the day after tomorrow. I mean really, starting tomorrow it's all over and it's already all over but it's so not over at all yet. Yeah, how's that for making sense.

Oh, at dinner tonight we finally were able to come to some understanding about my not eating rice, because there was rice again and, pour pas changer, Francois had to comment on it yet again, saying that i don't eat it because i'm afraid of getting fat. Brigitte came to my defense saying that i just don't like it and i was finally able to appease both, so to speak. I explained that yes, fine, one part of the reason why i don't eat it (here at least) is because i don't want to get fat. I know that eating rice alone won't make me fat, i'm not dumb. However, as i explained, i don't particularly love rice, it's not that i hate it, but i don't absolutely love it and if i don't love it and feel like it could be a factor in me putting on weight (i mean, especially here with all of the bread and cheese and other stuff that i eat), why eat it? Francois actually seemed content with this explanation - his "you don't want to get fat bit" was slightly justified, as was Brigitte's "she just doesn't like it" explanation. And Brigitte agreed with me saying "it's hard enough to be good with all of the foods that we DO like, so she's right, why eat something that we aren't crazy about?" They both also commented on the fact that i haven't put on a ton of weight here and that i look good. And i suppose what is most important is that i too am feeling good about how i look after a year here. There will always be something that i don't like i suppose, but i know that i did a good job of eating well and getting exercise as best as i could here.

And that's what we talked about next, eating habits, how we ate here, etc. Then Francois asked me what i'm going to "bring home" in regards to french cooking. It was an interesting question and i told him that i'd like to make some quiches at home, that i probably will opt for oil and vinegar (perhaps with a bit of mustard) instead of pre-made salad dressings and that if i could, i would keep eating french cheeses. I can't really think of much else, other than perhaps just a greater appreciation for food and for food preparation. I mean, just the idea of food is so big in France, we talked about it so much, that i suppose that without realizing it, i've become a lot more aware of food, food quality, where food comes from (they always talk about that), how we eat, how much we eat, when we eat, etc.

And so, tomorrow is a big day. Big day because my goal is to basically get everything except for stuff that i need this weekend packed. Big day because i have to close my bank account. Big day because it's my last full day in Dijon. So what's the game plan? Before i go to bed tonight i am going to "pack" my big backpack with all of my dirty laundry in order to 1. make sure that it fits and 2. have an easy way to transport it over to Jess's tomorrow (you know, Brigitte would probably be really horrified if she knew that i was doing laundry elsewhere, she'd feel badly about it, but it just makes everyone's lives easier, it really does). Tomorrow i will then take my laundry all "packed up" to Jess's, put a load in and head over to the bank to close my account, head back to Jess's to switch loads, and sit and breath for a little bit (watch some t.v. perhaps?). Once my laundry is done, i can pack all of it right then and there and that way, my packing will be done (for the most part). I have a coffee date with Tomoko and Hei Won at 5pm, and i'm wondering if that's going to cause me to rush . . . I want to get a walk in because my walking days here are numbered, but if i get up early to do it (and by early i do mean like 9 or 10) it will be too hot. Well, who am i kidding, it will be too hot no matter what time i get up. Bon enfin bref (which kind of means "anyway"), i should be heading up to my room to organize my laundry and to get to bed because tomorrow will be a full day and then i'm off to Luxembourg. I keep saying it or telling myself or talking about it to try to make it more real. It's kind of not working though.

p.s. - Brigitte showed me a picture from her and Francois' wedding tonight. It was really cute.

Well, one week from right now, this very absolute moment, i will be on an airplane somewhere over the atlantic ocean. I just got off of the phone with mom - our last phone date. I'm sitting in the Louvrier's living room and listening to an odd mixture of traditional accordion music and rock that are sharing the stage of the place St. Benigne tonight. Dijon itself is a stage tonight for it is the national music festival and throughout the big cities of France the streets have been transformed into concert halls and people are out eating, drinking, dancing, and having a good time. I went out earlier with Nadira and a friend of hers and we walked around for a good two hours, fighting our way through unbelievable crowds of people. We kept saying to each other "But where did they all come from???" The rue de la liberte was closed off and there were just people everywhere. Every half block or so there would be a different band and most likely it would be a different style of music. There were also rappers, electronic music, and it was quite an amusing array of musical styles, often humorously juxtaposed - like the band covering the Beatles right next to this really loud drum and bass music. We were also quite amused by all of the american songs that were being played - american songs that were popular when we were about 11 and 12. In fact, the song that is currently being played across the street is "losing my religion" - good song, just kind of funny to hear it being covered in France. Ha, in fact, the singer was losing his "reeligion" instead of "rihligion." We also heard "wonder wall" and "city of angels" (i think that's what it's called).

Around 11:15 my mom called, which i was expecting. Unfortunately she called right as we were trying to force our way by a heavy metal band, through a shoulder to shoulder crowd of people - half trying to get through, half standing still to listen to the band. I picked up the phone and could barely hear if mom was really on the other end. "MOM" i shouted into the phone, "MOM IF THAT'S YOU I HOPE YOU CAN HEAR ME, I WILL CALL YOU BACK IN FIVE MINUTES, OK? I WILL CALL YOU BACK IN FIVE MINUTES!" Then i hung up, we got through the crowd and i told Nadira and her friend that i was going to head back here. I was pretty exhausted and dehydrated anyway, so i said goodbye, turned around and started to dash off. My dashing was abruptly halted by one of the shin high metal column things that line the street to prevent people from parking there. I slammed my shin into it, may have let out a yell, but it would have been lost in the din anyway, and headed back here.

It has hit 90 every day this week and i am finding that i have less and less of a tolerance for heat with every passing year. I don't know what i'm going to do when i'm old. I was in SUCH an awful mood today. So easily frustrated and ready to yell at people - though i kept all of that in my head. I slept really well last night though, and slept in this morning. That was good. At least the heat doesn't disturb my sleep. Of course i ran into the same problem with getting up around 11am and not being able to do errands because by the time i was dressed and ready to go out, things closed. Well, anyway, of the four things that i was determined to do today i did um, like 2.5. Well, yeah. What i mean is that i weighed the box and found that it is well within the weight limits. Then i tried to fill out the accompanying paperwork and gave up. It was really confusing and i just couldn't deal with it. So i only have finished that. Then i went to the bank, where i found out that i need an APPOINTMENT to close my account. Oi. So the soonest the could give me is thursday at 2pm. Thank god that they had one open before friday. The woman assured me that it should only take about 30-45 minutes and that i can do it all in one day. So i guess that's kind of half done.

My other to tasks were fully accomplished. Nadira and i met up and went to buy our train tickets first. I said that i needed a ticket to Paris the 28th around 11:40am. It was the same really nice guy who took care of my Chamonix tickets, though he did not remember me. Then he said "and for the return?" and i wailed "there is none!" Then Nadira and i exchanged pathetic "i can't believe that we're buying our final tickets!" looks. I said that i was sad to leave and he said "really?" because he thought that i was maybe being sarcastic. I assured him that i was serious. Then Nadira bought the same ticket for July 2nd and we kept saying things like "this is so weird, this is so sad, etc." We decided that for the extra 11E it was worth it to go first class, by the way. I am very content with this decision because this is going to be a long, kind of hard (physically and emotionally) trip and i want it to be as comfortable as possible. Then we went to the airfrance place here and bought shuttle tickets. So now all of my tickets have been bought and all i have to do is show up at the right place at the right time.

I had to go back to Jess's this evening because i had forgotten a shirt there. She asked how things were going and i was telling her about how i've started organizing and trying to pack but i keep getting distracted and sort of running in circles. Then i mentioned how i need to wash some more cloths before packing - it's the tail end of my winter cloths that had gotten dirty and then never washed because it got hot and i didn't need them anymore. They aren't too dirty but i'd rather not put dirty laundry packed up in my suitcase. The second that i mentioned laundry Jess said "Becky! You know that you are more than welcome to come do it here! Seriously, it's totally fine, really." I could technically do it or have it done here, but her offer seemed kind of appealing. Then she said that she'll be at work all day on thursday, so why don't we meet up sometime on thursday, she'll give me her keys, i can come over and do my laundry and have the apartment to myself to just relax and have some personal space for a while. "Put a load in, watch some t.v. while it washes, just relax and kick back for a while." Now that was an offer that i couldn't refuse. She is so right in saying that having that space, even if only for a few hours, will be really good for me. Even though my room here is separate and all, it's still limiting in that i can't just do my laundry, or that if i want coffee i have to be in the apartment. As much as i feel totally at ease and at home here, there's always still a slight feeling of having to be on my best behavior or whatever. Anyway, it'll just be nice. And so we've agreed to meet up around 1pm (which means that i can sleep in) so that she can give me the key. I can put a wash in, then go close my bank account, then head back to change laundry and to just sit and watch t.v.
`````````
Hm, despite the nap this evening, the coffee that i just drank and all, i'm feeling kind of exhausted. It's the heat. I suppose that i could go to bed. Well, no, i'm going to go do some more organizing/packing. I think that pictures are coming down for real tonight. I want to go see a movie tomorrow, so if i do that tonight, i'll feel as though i have time to bum around tomorrow.

Nadira is coming over.

I left here at 11:23 this morning and got back barely an hour ago (3:30ish). I bought disposable cameras and walked all over the place, took pictures, roasted in the sun, and ended up in centre ville where i bought basically everything that i had wanted to get. Then i came back here and made plans to meet up with Nadira at 5pm for coffee. I decided on 5 because i figured that after being out for so long, a nap would be perfect. Umm, yeah, no. I didn't even last two minutes laying down. I had barely closed my eyes when i leapt out of bed because i couldn't be still while thinking about everything that i have to do. And so i thought "ok, well i can pack my carry on stuff now."

So, i got out my massive amounts of bubble wrap and started wrapping breakable stuff up. Then i packed that in a cardboard box and sat it in my suitcase. Then i decided that that was stupid because the box took up too much room and was slightly unnecessary. So i took the box out and started arranging the stuff that was in the box directly in the suitcase. I decided that i would pack it in sweaters and winter clothing and stuff - more padding. So i dragged out all of the sweaters that i have left here. Then suddenly it dawned on me - i can't pack my carry on at all! I'm using that suitcase to go to Luxembourg so it has to remain empty. I mean i could do a "dry run" to see what fits and how it fits and to reassure myself that i'm doing alright on space, sure. But i got fed up and just dumped everything (which had been on my bed) onto the floor. Then i laid down to take another nap. Or to try again to nap.

Then i leapt up again. Ok, well, i could always pack my winter cloths right now. No, wait, no i couldn't. I don't know which of my winter cloths will need to go in carry on and so i don't want to get it all packed away. Then i thought, well why not put the mustard and cassis in the big suitcase. If it's all wrapped up in bubble wrap AND winter clothing, that should be fine. Then i thought "hm, yeah, SHOULD be fine, but if i get home and find my winter clothing encrusted with cassis, mustard and GLASS i will not be a very happy person. Plus, i have these visions of security tearing through my suitcase and in the process of pulling out a sweater, a jar of mustard goes flying out of the suitcase and breaks. Just not a good scenario. And since it's food stuffs, i feel like it needs to be carry on with me.

So i laid down to try to nap again. I don't even know if i got as far as laying down before i thought "ok, room pictures! You can do that, and you have to do it before you pack your room up. You have the disposable camera, so take the pictures!" So i leapt out of bed, grabbed the camera, opened my curtains to find that the sun was directly opposite my room and made for awful lighting. So i took hallway and stair pictures. Then i went back into my room and it was maybe 4:05. I knew that there was no way that i had a prayer of ever getting to sleep, and my room is just a big jumble, so i came down here. I found a movie that i'd like to see and quickly sent Nadira a text to see if we could do that instead. It sounded calming and good. Unfortunately she didn't respond and the movie started 7 minutes ago. I kind of feel like i might need to cancel on her. I don't want to be a jerk, i'm just so overwhelmed and it feels like there is no good place to start so i don't start but i need to start.

I think that the other problem is this: i leave for Luxembourg in three days and everything needs to be pretty well packed before i leave. However, there are certain things that should be packed first, certain things that cannot really be packed at all, and then other things. The things that should be packed first or just could be packed right now are things like pictures, candles, books. They're the kinds of things that make my room my room. Once i take them down, it's just going to be odd. It's fine that i'm leaving and that i have to clean myself out of this room, but i don't want to have to do it before i actually have to leave, you know? Maybe what i should do is i should see if Nadira would mind hanging out in my room while i sort stuff and get organized. It could be nice to have the company and i'm so on edge right now that i don't think coffee is going to be the best thing for me. Or maybe being out but not doing errands or real things will be good for me . . .

I need a plan. A plan is what i need. Order and organization. Ok. Well, i can't take down pictures and the stuff that makes my room "my room" until i have taken pictures of it - no point in taking pictures of it empty and such. Maybe the sun has moved enough so that i could go do that now. Or, maybe what i should do is that i should go straighten up the picture area, the candle area, and that stuff so that i can take pictures of THOSE things. The light is more for taking pictures of the window area and the wooden beams. Those are just pieces of the room, not MY things. Then, once the pictures of those things are taken, i can start to pack them. I mean, come on, i only have tonight (monday), tuesday night, wednesday night and thursday night. Ideally that would all be the last stuff to go, but it's just not practical. Or, maybe i pack all but like one thing, one candle. You know.

And clothing. I'll just start packing it. I mean, i pretty much wear the same two or three tank tops now, a couple of capris, one skirt, etc. Even if i want to leave my sweaters out, there are other things that can easily be packed right now. I just brought down most of the stuff that i want for the conference because it needs to be washed. I can clean out my desk.

Maybe i'll pack up my carry on to make sure it all works and then just unpack it. I could make piles. I could sort everything into piles of what will be packed in what and when i can pack it. Oh and i need to bring my colissimo box down to weigh it so that i can get that in the mail tomorrow. Right. This is doable, this is soooo doable. I am so capable of this. And even if i get it all done early and come wednesday and thursday have nothing to do, that's ok. I'll just hang out, i'll just sit at a cafe, i'll just walk, i'll just read, i'll just see a movie, i'll just be insane. I think that's part of the reason that i put stuff off, because i don't like not having stuff to do. I'd rather be stressed out and insanely scrambling around trying to get stuff together, but at the same time i need to realize that maybe right now is even the time to be scrambling here.

Tomorrow here are the outside of packing things that NEED to be done. Absolutely:

1. CLOSE MY BANK ACCOUNT (i am kind of nervous about how this works, but at LEAST i speak french this time around)
2. Buy train ticket to Paris
3. Buy shuttle ticket from gare de Lyon to CDG
4. Mail colissimo box

I just sent Nadira a text to ask if she'd mind hanging out with me here while i try to get some stuff packed. Now i'm waiting for a response . . .

Monday morning, 10:34am. I spent this morning tossing and turning, waking up what felt like every half hour and then telling myself "go back to sleep dumbass, it's early, you'll just be tired if you wake up, and it's monday so stores are closed in the morning and you can't do any shopping anyway." Then i would fall back asleep for like a half hour, or maybe only ten minutes, or maybe a full hour that felt like ten minutes, then i'd wake up and it'd start again. Then i fell into a deep, fairly peaceful sleep accompanied by weird dreams (well, all my sleep last night seemed to be accompanied by weird dreams), but was abruptly woken up because my cell phone was ringing. No, well, in fact my cell phone was vibrating in my gray bag all the way across the room and it's kind of ridiculous that i am that sensitive to it. Anyway, i flew out of bed and picked it up in time to see that it was Jess calling but right as i tried to answer she was gone. Then i got a message saying that i had a new voice mail but it wouldn't let me check it because i was out of text-o's/minutes yet again (well, ok last time i specifically only bought a week's worth, and a week was up). So i peed, then i bought another week's worth of text's for another 5E and listened to her message. I forgot a shirt at her place, so she was just wondering if i wanted to pick it up, or meet up somewhere or what. I have to call her back, but it has to be from a phone booth because i didn't buy talking minutes for my cell phone. And seeing as i'm still in my p.j.'s, i have yet to call her back.

Hm, and last night i did indeed clean. I didn't get around to vacuuming or cleaning cleaning, but i threw stuff away, i organized, made piles, totally cleaned up my counter next to my sink that had become a bit of a disaster. My room is less cluttered and more breathable now. But it was strange. Strange to know that i am sort of at the beginning stages of packing EVERYTHING. Anything that's in that room needs to be packed or gotten rid of because i'm leaving. I'm moving. I'm probably going to spend all week writing the same stuff: "I can't believe i'm leaving! It's so weird to be moving etc. etc." but it's true. And so here i am, in my p.j.'s 10:41am. I suppose that i could have slept in more and it wouldn't have made a difference today. Like i said, nothing is open on monday morning, then they have their whole lunch deal from noon - 2pm. Well, no, Monoprix is definitely open and so i think that in like two minutes i will go shower, get dressed, hit monoprix for disposable cameras and start doing my Dijon picture taking. Then this afternoon i am determined to finish any and all souvenir shopping so that i can close my account tomorrow (not that they really depend on each other, but i'd prefer to do it this way). I also forgot to add to yesterday's list to deal with that 34E box that is sitting on my floor waiting to be weighed and mailed. Oh i have my work cut out for me.

Well, i am supposed to be cleaning right now because i figure that cleaning is a good place to start for packing. But i'm not cleaning now am i? No, i would be writing and whimpering to myself because i just looked at the calendar and i am LEAVING soon. I've been so looking forward to going home that i hadn't really been paying attention that it is going to be SAD to leave. Sad and hard. I mean, yes i have been saying that recently, but it's just that there will be moments when it hits me and then i realize that this is the home stretch. And i'm sure that if i wasn't going home things would look different. That's just the way it goes. Things don't stay the same forever, things end, people move, blah blah blah. While doing some leadership training in high school, i learned that you should always end a community building game right at the peak, right when everyone is having a great time and laughing and really enjoying themselves. That way, the game ends with everyone feeling good about the game and the community and such. It leaves a good memory and a feeling of cohesiveness among the participants. And the next time you have a chance to do more community games, people will want to play that game again because of the good memories. And really, doesn't that just apply to everything? Ok, maybe not everything, but it makes a whole lot of sense. Leave things on a good note, on an up swing and the whole experience will have that positive overtone to it. He oui, la vie, ca continue sans cesse. Les choses changent, on bouge, on a le bonheur, on rencontre du mal, et a la fin de la journee, c'est peut-etre un choix, c'est l'attitude, c'est le regarde, bon, c'est la vie. C'est comme ca, c'est comme ca, hein?

But let's look at things in a bright, cheery light. Or at least, let's look at the up side of things for a second. Being sad to leave, and every day here making me a little more aware of things that i am going to miss here means that i'm leaving with good memories, good final moments, good feelings, triumph, accomplishment, independence, growth, knowledge and all of that stuff that this trip was supposed to bring. I think that before leaving i kept saying "man, i have no IDEA what this year will bring but at the same time there were some ideas or hopes in my head. Invented images of how things would look because that's only normal. And sometimes things end up matching those images that we create, whether it's chance or our own efforts that makes it so. And i think that the overall experience that i've had here, the overall feelings that i am experiencing, it's what i wanted to get out of it. The ends are living up to what i hoped they would be. The means of getting here, however, were nothing that i could have predicted. In some ways they were so simple, so not exciting, so basic, just getting through day to day, but day to day added up and i am going to miss it here. Just sitting here in my beanbag chair, feet propped up on my bed, music playing, window open, it's mine, it's my France, it's my life, it's my year.

I've had such a nice weekend. My last weekend in Dijon and i couldn't have asked for more. Friday night was the chorale party about which i've already written. Saturday i spent with Jess (the Clark alum). I went over to her place around 3pm and we started to do some laundry that i had brought over, and then just hung out chatting, gossiping about Clark and professors and such. When Julia woke up around 4pm we headed out to Carrefour. I had asked Jess if she'd mind taking me so that i could return the suitcase that i bought this week and pick up a few things. It turned out that she was in need of going anyway to do massive grocery shopping. So granted we took our time and weren't the fastest shoppers ever, we spent about 3 to 3.5 hours there. It was fun. I was able to return my suitcase and let me tell you getting handed 24E cash was amazing. Obviously it wasn't like i was getting paid, but still, receiving money instead of giving it felt great. Then i bought a totally cheapo suitcase that is actually slightly bigger for 9E. Hell yeah. It'll get me to and from Luxembourg and then it will get me home and that is all i am asking of these 9E. Fantastic! And i already know that it works well because i packed some of Jess's groceries in it to transport back to her place. I also bought some other stuff that i had wanted to get, including scotch tape, some mustard, a jar of cassis mustard and a jar of honey candies as a present for Professor Ropp. Jess got, mmm, everything. It was actually quite fun to be doing massive grocery shopping.

While we were in Carrefour she asked me if i'd be free to stay for dinner. I had nothing planned so i gladly accepted. Then when she was at the cheese counter (do we have cheese counters in the states?) i was telling her how i will definitely miss french cheese. So being the sweetheart that she is, she said "Well, pick out a cheese that you really like and we'll get it for after dinner." So i picked morbie (sp?) which i rather enjoy. Then she said that i could pick out another! So i chose epoisse.

When we finally got to the check out, we ended up finding a line that was not too long and our check out lady turned out to be fantastic. I paid for my stuff first because i had less and the woman totally started chatting with me. She noticed that i had bought some typical regional products and so asked if i was on vacation or what, and i explained how i had studied here this year etc. etc. She and Jess chatted a bit too and she thought that Julia was just adorable. She was in no rush to get us through or anything and it was just really pleasant and enjoyable. Jess and i were joking around later about how unfrench this woman was.

We got back to their place, put away groceries, hung out and Roc (Jess's husband) got Julia ready for bed while Jess and i made a salad with all sorts of delicious, fresh vegetables. Jess made a salad dressing to go with it that was delicious. It had chopped red onions, chives, oil, vinegar and parmesan cheese in it. We ate around 9pm, beginning with the salad. At carrefour Jess had bought some pre-made rice and chicken thing to have after the salad, but it was so unbelievably hot and we had been snacking a bit, so after the salad we weren't hungry enough to bother eating it. Plus, there was cheese to be had! Cheese and wine. Roc's big on wine and is pretty knowledgeable about it. By the time the cheese was over, we had finished off a bottle that Jess and i got at carrefour. The cheese was followed by fresh organic cherries and a very juicy peach. And a different wine. This time there was only enough for one glass, which was a good thing because i was feeling a little bit lightheaded. We sat around chatting for a while. Jess asked if i knew any good jokes and all i could come up with was mom's good old "What Irishman only comes out in the summer? Patty O'furinture!" Jess appreciated it.

And before we knew it, it was like 11 or 11:30. We had forgotten about my laundry, so while it was all clean, it was not all dry. However, i was planning on stopping by again at some point to give them my printer, so it wasn't a big deal. They said that i could go over today to pick up my laundry (leaving my suitcase there so that i could transport my laundry in my suitcase). Since it was so late, Roc gave me ride, which was really nice. And Jess sent me off with: half of the rice stuff that we hadn't eaten, the rest of BOTH of the cheeses that i picked out (!! i wasn't expecting that at all), AND toilet bowl cleaner (the end of a bottle) because i had mentioned how i was out and needed to ask Brigitte for some and Jess happened to have some.

I am so glad that i contacted Jess at the beginning of the year and that we got together. Even if we both got busy and didn't hang out a ton (in fact, i believe that we only got together this weekend and one other time this semester), just knowing that she was there, knowing that she was so supportive and encouraging and ready to help me out if i needed anything was such a comfort in and of itself. And anytime that we did get together, or i called her, she was always excited and glad to hear from me. She is just such a good, kind person. She's super self confident and just totally herself and assertive and open and fun to hang out with and it's just so neat that i was able to meet her and to get to know her a bit. I always felt completely welcomed by her and Roc and they were really such a good part of this year.

And i was able to partake in a little more of that goodness today when i went back to give them my printer and to pick up my laundry. I slept in nice and late this morning, went downstairs to find no fruit and to be yelled at by granny for needing more toilet paper and was, as a result, in quite a mood. I showered and got ready to go over to Jess's, printing off my flight info just to have a hard copy of it, then unplugging and packing up my printer. There is now a space on my table that seems kind of empty. Piece by piece this room is becoming no longer mine. It's strange. Anyway, i headed over to Jess's around 2pm or so.

We got my laundry together, i had a glass of water and Jess and i chatted a bit. She had a bunch of correcting to do and as i got ready to go Roc invited me to stay for lunch with him and Leo, his 14 year old son from his first marriage. Jess encouraged me to accept, and so i did. Because of her work, Jess didn't eat with us, so it was just the three of us. Roc is a very calm, very well spoken man. There is a tranquility about him. He does things slowly and quietly, whether it's eating or talking. We had a nice lunch - chicken, left over salad and dressing from last night (which really hit the spot) and then some good cheese. After we finished eating, Roc and i sat around for a good half hour, no, definitely an hour or more, talking about who knows what. Eventually Jess came out and was headed to see a friend of hers. She had decided that Julia (who went down for a nap around when i arrived, though it took her a good hour and a half to finally get to sleep) would not be going with her.

So once Jess was set to go, she and i headed out together because we were walking in the same direction. But then i had to cross the street and she had to keep going straight and so we had to say goodbye. Man, i am no good at goodbyes. I'd much rather just be like "hey, yeah, see you." or just to kind of disappear from someone's life or to have them just kind of disappear from mine. The formality and the ceremony of it and all, each person trying to come up with ways to sum up their relationships or their experiences or whatever, the "yeah maybe i'll see around"'s and all of that. It's not that i find it superficial (well, i mean it can definitely be), it's just that it feels unnatural. Or maybe sometimes it's just too much, it's too emotional or it's too final or it's too weird. However, when Jess and i parted ways today it actually wasn't a totally final goodbye. We know this because she, Roc, and Julia are going to be going to visit her family in the states mid-July and her mom lives probably about two hours north of where i live. So we've exchanged phone numbers and emails and everything and are going to meet up when she's in the states. I'd love it if they (her, Julia, Roc and her mom) would all come to my house for a barbecue, but it might be a little much to drive all the way down there. At the very least though we will meet up somewhere in between where we both live. So that was nice, a goodbye but kind of not really.

I spent the rest of the evening taking a walk and then just sort of bumming around here doing nothing. I watched part of a dvd, i checked email, i had some coffee, ate and such. Then about an hour ago Brigitte got back. She came into the dining room to say hi and looks great. You can tell that this week away did her a world of good and i'm really happy for her. It's also nice to have her back and not only because i know that means that there will always be fruit in the house. We've decided that i'm eating with them every night this week. I mean, it's normal because of meals that i missed while she was away and all. But how nice, i'm really glad that i'll get to eat with them every night of my last week here. And i'm not looking for anything elaborate or super fancy. It's just having this last week to chat, to spend time with them, and all. God and then next weekend i'm in LUXEMBOURG. And then i'm back here and then i'm home. I can't even begin to understand. It's so strange. So strange. It's going to be a culture shock. Oh there are so many things that i'm looking forward to so much and it will all be so normal and so not at all normal and wow. How's that for articulate huh?

And because i obviously haven't put off cleaning enough yet, let's go into list mode hein? What do i have left to accomplish between now and friday?

- Buy one way ticket to Paris (one way . . .)
- Buy ticket for the shuttle between the gare de Lyon and CDG (Jess told me that i can buy one for the airfrance bus that is cheaper than the shuttle that i found online - excellent)
- Finish last minute souvenir shopping
- Laundry (i need to wash a dress or two and a skirt or two for the conference)
- Close my bank account (noooot looking forward to this . . . i think that i'm going to do it on tuesday?)
- Buy disposable cameras and take pictures of Dijon, my room, etc.
- Uh, pack maybe?
- Clean (i know, i know, that's what i'm supppposed to be doing right now, but i'm saying, even if i clean tonight it will inevitably be a mess again by thursday and i want to make sure that i do a decent cleaning, complete with vacuuming and all of that before i leave)
- Um, not go insane?

Yeah that's all i can come up with, i mean, not that i need MORE stuff anyway. Ahhhh. Yeah. I feel like my best means of expressions right now is to make noises. So i'm going to uh go do that. Or, er, i mean, i'm going to clean and uh, sort cloths and um, clean out my desk and hhhuh yeah. That's it.

Well, i went back to the door. I listened. I opened it and listened. There was definitely running water in the pipes, you know, late night house noises that creep you out. Still, i wasn't looking forward to coming up here alone. I hesitated, closed the door and locked it. I walked back towards the kitchen were Francois was emptying the dish washer. I paused. I almost went back to the door and then i thought "you know what, just ask him to come stand at the bottom while you walk up. He'll understand." So i went and knocked on the kitchen door (not wanting to intrude if he was in his robe) and poked my head in. He laughed to see me up so late and after we said hi i said "could you do me a favor? I was about to go upstairs and i thought that i heard someone in the stairwell. I'm sure it was nothing, but the lights weren't on and it scared me, so would you mind just coming while i walk upstairs?" Now Francois enjoys poking fun at me, this i know and sometimes it does get to me depending on my mood. This was one time when i really didn't think i'd be able to handle him poking fun at me. I kind of thought that he'd make some joke about me being a girl and being afraid, blah blah. And you know what? He did not make fun of me me in the slightest. He took me completely seriously and was incredibly nice about it. Not only did he come to the stairs with me, he came into the stairwell, looked around, checked to make sure that the door at the bottom was locked (something that i didn't think to do, well, i didn't even get as far as turning the stairwell lights on myself) and he walked about halfway up with me, which actually isn't easy for him because of his leg. It was incredibly sweet. Thinking about it now, i realize that he and Brigitte are always kind of suspicious about things, about doors to the building being locked (or left unlocked) and the bar across the street and all, so i should have known that he would be nice about it. Like i said, he pokes fun at me but it's never ever mean or serious, even if sometimes i'm not in the mood for it or it feels like a little much. He's a really good guy. And now i am safely in my room. From the inside i usually only lock the top lock, but tonight i locked the bottom as well.

It almost seems fitting that tonight should end this way - with Francois doing something nice for me and showing me without showing that he cares about me. Fitting because tonight was the end of the year party for the chorale and i never would have in a million years guess it a month ago, but it was actually rather sad. Sad because i said goodbye to them, sad because i realized that i really like the people in the chorale, sad because i realized (though this has been evident for a while now) that i've become friends with Claire and that she likes me and it was just the idea of saying goodbye i guess. The idea that we all shared something as a group, that we all worked together, that we made music together.

As we were getting ready to leave, Michel called out to everyone that they had to sing us this traditional burgundy song that's basically like "for he's a jolly good fellow" only it's from burgundy, and no one seemed to know the words "Oh, i'm not from Burgundy!" everyone started to say. But anyway, it was funny because when Michel got everyone's attention, he announced that we, Hannah (Hannah being the british TA) and Rebecca were leaving, and i think that no one in the chorale except for perhaps Claire knew my name up until a few weeks ago when Jean, one of the conductors, was doing attendance and said for at least the second or third time this semester "i still don't know who Rebecca is" and i had to say "um, right, that's me." Granted Hannah and i sat there during the first part of the picnic going "wow, i really don't know anyone's name! That lady, she's either Cecile or Celine . . . and that's Mary Jo - no? That's not. Hmmm, ok well that's Dominique for sure, and Michel. Wait, so are they married? They are!? No way! And they have a fifteen year old daughter? Huh." So i suppose them not knowing my name wasn't a huge thing for me, it just struck me as amusing that as we were leaving i was referred to by name. And then a bunch of the ladies walked us to the car and said goodbye and did the bisous (kisses). It was sweet. They're nice people. Claire drove us back to town.

I'm kind of totally going in reverse here now aren't i? Well, backing up the beginning of the picnic, i met up with Hannah and her boyfriend Andy at a bus stop where we waited for a half hour for a spanish girl, another alto, who never showed up. Then we took the bus to a stop where we met Claire who drove us in her car to the picnic spot. The picnic spot was at this small old stone building that once upon a time was uhh, a sheep barn. We couldn't figure out what the english word would be for it. A manger? Well, anyway, an old stone building where the shepherd would keep his sheep. It has since been transformed into a place that people can rent out for picnics and events and such. There is no running water, no electricity, and no heat. And it's in the middle of a field on a windy dirt road in the middle of the countryside. When they gave out directions, a photocopied map, someone asked for a street address. "There is none," Dominique replied, "it's just on this windy old road, you need the map." On one side of the sheep house was a field, on the other a forest. It was just gorgeous. We arrived around 7:45, and the sun was still out, but lowering and making everything glow.

We were only the second people to arrive and the lady who was already there, whose name we never figured out, took Hannah, Andy and i on a walk through the woods across the street to look at wild flowers. More people had arrived by the time we got back, but we didn't start eating for a while longer, it was very french. Gradually more and more people came and there were about 20-25 of us i would say. Claire (i think) had brought a barbecue and so the men set out to cook up some meat. And oh was there meat. Chicken and sausages. And they just kept cooking it and cooking it. Otherwise there were various salads and bread and such. I made the faux pas of opening my fruit salad before we ate the meat and eating some - i later heard people talking about how someone had opened the fruit and ate it as an entree, which, well is sort of understandable, but it's really a dessert and you shouldn't eat it until the dessert course! Ohhhh the french, you even have to stick with the right order when having a picnic in the middle of a field on a friday night. There was also, of course, wine but i only had one glass. It was just so ridiculous and wonderfully enjoyable sitting in the french countryside having a huge picnic complete with wine and cheese (at the end of the meal of course).

Hannah, Andy and i hung out mostly, but we did mingle a bit. We met Mary Jo's husband, who came to hang out with us as it was getting dark and we were finishing up with our generous helpings of chicken and sausage. I think that at this point he was perhaps a bit loosened up from a few glasses of wine (in fact, it seemed as though the majority of the part was pretty well at ease with glasses, er, well plastic cups, of wine in hand). This, however, meant him having a grand old time poking fun at me because i am . . . american! Lovely. He assured me several times that it was in good spirits and when we had talked earlier he hadn't been a jerk or anything. He had been quite pleased that i want to teach french in fact. So i think it was a combination of the wine and uhhh . . . the wine? There were a few times when he said stuff that i didn't catch and Mary Jo, who had wandered over to join us, scolded him and seemed a bit embarrassed. We were all sitting on the ground, and Mary Jo had brought over the cheese for us before sitting to join us and chat. People had just lit candles and a gas lamp that someone had brought, the stars were appearing and the moon was shining brightly in the clear sky free of light pollution. It was really quite beautiful and enjoyable. At one point as we were sitting there, Michel walked by and, shining a flashlight around us, realized that we had the cheese. Flashlight shining on the cheese like a spotlight, everyone sort of stopped, looked over and started laughing. Hannah and i got quite giggly ourselves. It was as though we had been caught hoarding the cheese. Curious thing was that they didn't take it or eat it, it was kind of like they were just looking for it. We realized that actually what they had been looking for was Michel's knife, which was being used to cut the cheese - he just wanted to make sure that it wasn't lost.

Anyway, it was just such a nice atmosphere. I got to talk in french, in english and other than a few times when the guy who was making fun of the states was going at it, it was really nice company. Claire drove us back into town and after dropping off Hannah and Andy, we were chatting a bit and she told me how they tend to get kind of attached to the students in the chorale. Then she said that this year especially. It was sweet. I feel like the french don't show emotions too much and so when they do let you know that they have some sort of emotional something going on, it's kind of touching. I should email Claire when i get home this summer.

I started to get almost teary eyed as i walked up to my room when i got back from the picnic. I think that you'd be hard pressed to live anywhere for ten months and to not get attached in one way or another. It's normal that i'm starting to get sad about leaving, hell it's GOOD. It means that i really got something out of my time here. Just the simple act of going to chorale every thursday, no matter how boring and tiring and long it felt at times, no matter how not so cohesive and uncommunity-like it felt at times, in the end it was worth it. Bah, it's getting late and i have to get up to do things tomorrow. I should go to bed.

So, it is currently 1:21am and i am sitting in the Louvrier's living room. I am exhausted and want nothing more than to curl up and go to bed, so why am i not doing that? I'm scared, that's why. I just got up to go up to my room like usual. To get from their apartment to my room involves me leaving their apartment, going into a stairwell that's used by the whole building, locking their apartment, walking up the creepy old staircase to my room which is kind of in a deserted hallway. So i opened up the door and before i could even step into the hallway (which is pitch black) to turn on the light i heard some noise. A shuffling kind of a human moving noise. I freaked out, stepped quickly back into the apartment, closing and locking the door behind me. I stood there and heard some more noises that seemed to be going on on the other side. There might have been some keys jingling or something, i don't really know. Anyway, it kind of totally creeped me out. I mean, people using the staircase, fine, that's normal. 1am, that's kind of normal too, i mean it's friday night and I was going to use it. But in the dark? In the pitch dark? You can't see a thing! You'd fall down and kill yourself! I know that the light is on a timer and all, but man it was really creepy. So i came back in here and am writing this because i'm too scared to go back out. But i have to because i can't very well stay HERE all night long now can i? Francois is in the kitchen but i feel kind of dorky asking him to check it out. Madjick just came in here, but he's not much of a guard dog. But, Francois wasn't in the kitchen before so at least i feel safer knowing that he's up and around. And maybe i'll make Madjick come to the door with me. I feel like a little kid afraid of the dark. I'm sure that there is a reasonable explanation but man it creeped me out.

written late last night:

6/17/05

Chocolat . . .

After dinner and coffee with Tomoko, Hei Won and Kyung Suk, i went back to Tomoko's apartment with her to borrow a few dvds. One of the dvds that i borrowed was "Chocolat" and i decided to go buy myself some chocolate to eat while watching it this evening. I got a bar of dark chocolate and ate the entire thing. I didn't really mean to, and by the end i was feeling kind of stuffed and now i'm thinking that i won't be eating any more chocolate for a while. But it was nice, relaxing and indulgent.

When the movie was over, i watched some of the extras among which was a piece about the production of the film. In fact, it was mostly about Flavigny, the village where it was filmed. It was really cool because i have been there and as they showed different parts of the village and talked about different things i recognized it all and thought "hey i've been there!" Man, i really ate too much chocolate!

Anyway, things are looking good here. On saturday i am going to hang out with Jess the Clark alum and as i was mulling over some of the millions of things that i am trying to organize and take care of and deal with today, i had an idea. My idea was that i would ask Jess if it would at all be possible for us to go to Carrefour on saturday. I'm thinking that i want to exchange my suitcase for a different one (if possible) and there are a few things that i'd like to pick up there that i forgot to get yesterday. So i called her and left her a message on her voice mail about it. She called me back later on and said that it would absolutely be fine, that she could get some grocery shopping done too and that i should go over to her place around 3pm (instead of 4 like we had originally planned) so that we can have a tea and hang out while Julia naps before going. I am also going to give her my printer. And between when i had left her the voice mail and when she called me back, i realized that i had another favor to ask of her. I realized it when i walked into my room this afternoon and realized that i could actually smell some of my dirty laundry when i opened the door (i know, it's totally gross and embarrassing, but Brigitte has been gone all week and i haven't been able to deal with it!). Jess said that i am more than welcome to do laundry. We'll get it going while we have tea, then go to Carrefour and i am SO glad that this is all working out like this because it is killing a whole bunch of birds with one stone and should be a lot of fun.

Written this morning:

Weird dreams/ness

I just remembered a dream that i had last night. It was move in day and i arrived at Clark alone. I didn't know where our apartment was and it turned out that it was in this old building that was kind of like a dorm. It was located next to a parking lot that i now realize was one of the parking lots from the campus here, the whole campus was supposed to be Clark but it was all actually set in Dijon. I went in thinking that we were living in the basement but then Nina (i think) told me that i was actually living on the fifth floor. So before starting to move my stuff in, i headed up to see it because i was really curious and excited. The stairwell was incredibly crowded because everyone was moving in and i passed someone, Jason Dunn i think, who mentioned my room being orange. The stairs seemed endless and as i got closer to the top of the last set of stairs, the ceiling was getting increasingly lower and it was really chlostrophobic. Then i got to the last stair to find out that there was no exit. Confused, i went back down to take the elevator and was told that the only way to get to the fifth floor, which was the top floor, was an elevator.

Before going up to the fifth floor, i noticed that the fourth floor was almost like a shopping mall. There was a food court, and this weird movie theater that was kind of open to the whole floor, but up really high, like a floor above us, except that there was no floor separating the theater and the fourth floor, it was just built really high in the walls. It actually seemed kind of cool because everything we could possibly need was contained in our building. I started looking for a gym but decided to head up to my room. In the elevator on the way up i met a couple of other girls, but they weren't terribly friendly. Then we arrived.

The elevator arrived on what seemed like the roof because the middle of the fifth floor was open, there was no ceiling/roof. It was under construction, but there was a garden and though it was kind of old 80's style, they were redoing it and it was pretty neat. I also noticed that there was a parking area and it was kind of like a top floor of a parking garage in the middle. I got really excited because the idea of having to drag all of my stuff up the four flights of stairs and then in the elevator (which was small and kind of run down) was not really a pleasant idea. I saw a man and asked him if i could just bring my car up and he said no. He said that it wasn't allowed because it would be too chaotic and that i had to park in the parking lot next to the building and drag all of my stuff up. I was pretty annoyed and set out to find my parents or something.

My parents were busy setting up their new shop (i think that this is because i watched Chocolat last night). My mom really wanted to open an antiques store or something and had rented this place that just happened to be right across the street from my dorm. I went in the front and wandered into the back to find her and my dad. It turned out to be really big and the entire back was an apartment. I slowly started to realize that they were moving in here and the boutique was an excuse to move into an apartment without upsetting us. They hadn't sold the house yet, but it was inevitable that they were going to. The apartment was really kind of ugly, very modern but cheap looking. Completely not their taste or style. I complained to them about the moving in business, don't remember what they said, and then headed back out to finally move in. When i left, however, i suddenly couldn't figure out what building was mine even though it had been just across the street. Suddenly the buildings were all super old french buildings and i wandered around trying to figure out which one was mine.

After that it got kind of hazy and i don't really remember much else.

And then i lay in bed until 11am this morning. I drifted in and out of sleep and kept getting kind of anxious, thinking about how i have so much to do and how i don't have a lot of time left here, and how i should be getting up, but then i'd fall back asleep. At one point the bells of the Cathedral St. Benigne started to ring and half asleep i thought to myself "there will be no church bells this summer!" It was strange. I'm starting to get a bit sad about leaving, but also kind of excited. I've got this last week organized in my head, for the most part. He oui, i said a week. I don't leave for the states for another 12 days, but one week from today i will be on a train to Luxembourg and thus i have one week to finish packing and organizing and everything. Man! It's a little after noon now, and i am going to go for a walk to wake me up a bit and get me going. Then i am going to come back here and sort through my clothing. There will be three, or maybe four piles. There will be: dirty cloths to be washed at Jess's tomorrow, dirty cloths to be washed here when Brigitte is back, cloths (clean or not toooooo dirty) to be packed today, cloths to be gotten rid of and then cloths that stay out (ok, so that's five, but ya know). To make this process a bit more enjoyable i am going to either listen to music, or watch "the mexican" (which i borrowed from Tomoko) while i do it. Ok, time to go walk!